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Tuesday, January 17, 2017

One Year Later...

How much can a person learn in a year? A year is such a SHORT amount of time when you compare it to most peoples' entire life span. It's a LONG amount of time when you're planning a Disney Vacation and can't wait to go. You see, life is all about perspective. And in THIS SHORT year, I've gained more perspective than most people learn in a lifetime. I've learned that most motivational quotes that people hang on their walls, are true, yet they rarely TRULY know it. I've learned to stop and REALLY smell the roses. I've learned to count the seconds in thousands of minutes and hundreds of hours, wondering how to make it through each one. I've learned that a marriage, a LOYAL marriage, really is for better AND FOR WORSE..IN SICKNESS..I've also learned what "for worse" and "in sickness" feels like. I've learned that being skinny or fat doesn't matter. I've learned that how big your house is or what car you drive doesn't matter either. I've learned that not having to go to work every day sounds wonderful, until the choice to work or not to isn't yours to make. I've learned that when you can't choose to run on a treadmill, or ride a bike, or dance, or hold both your kids' hands at the same time, your heart breaks into tiny pieces. I've learned that when there's no other option, husbands can make ponytails, too. I've learned that diapers can be changed with 1 hand, and that driving can be done that way, too. I've learned that when the going gets tough, you can't always count on who you thought you could. I've learned that when you're in the hospital dying you draw a large crowd, lots of food, and even more prayers...but when you manage to survive, get home, try to figure out and struggle with life...most of the crowd and food is nowhere to be found. I've learned that you're never too old to need your mom, never. I've learned to laugh more, love hard, pray even harder. I've learned just how much my amazing husband REALLY loves me, despite my imperfections. I've also learned how VERY MUCH I love and need him. I've learned how important our church family is. It's been ONE. WHOLE. YEAR. Since that fateful day I ended up in the ER, minutes from death. It’s been one whole year since I wiggled my toes and walked on my own two feet. It’s been a year since I wrapped both hands around a cup of coffee or grabbed my babies' cheeks to kiss them. It's been a whole year since I had my toenails painted or nursed my baby. It’s been a whole year since I went to my nurse labor and delivery job that I loved. You see, it’s been a whole year since I've done SO MANY things that people who have all 4 of their limbs, are able to do. All things that we all often take for granted. All things I long to do again, every minute of every day. I find myself staring at others make gestures with both hands or I admire painted nails. I watch moms squat down to kiss their kids and wish I could, too. I've wished, wanted, begged, pleaded, and cried a million times. When I woke up a couple months after January 16, 2016...with 2 legs, a hand, and half of the other permanently gone, I was so angry at everyone who prayed that I would live. I saw my dad during my time of unawareness. I miss him so much it hurts. When he unexpectedly died while I was pregnant with Madelyn, I wondered how I would live my life, and each day move further away from the last time we talked. Now I wonder how to move another day past the last time I had my legs and hands. It’s an odd thing to mourn the loss of your own self. Everyone asks how I do it, how do I manage? Well I manage on perspective. Because at first it was hard to admit, but I now realize, life could be worse. As I watch my 2 sons with their baby sister, the way they protect and love each other, I have a changed perspective. I'm thankful for prayers, and for God's answers to them that I find at church and in my Bible. Because REALLY, who could deal with this without them?! I have so much living, loving, and inspiring to do! I still miss a lot about my "old life", but I'm also learning to like this "new one". I'm just an ordinary girl with an EXTRAORDINARY story.

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