(Used with permission,
written by Jennifer Durham)
I'm finally sitting
down tonight after a very full day, and I have a very full heart. Today is our Branten's 3rd
birthday. We started the day with special birthday pancakes and presents and
then celebrated with close friends this afternoon at his train themed party. He
was SO excited, happy, and full of life....a truly wonderful day! Three years
ago this morning, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful boy. It was one of the
best days of my life. Two years ago today, on Branten's first birthday, I had
the worst day of my life when, after many, many tests, bloodwork, and trips to
Dr.'s and hospitals, Branten was admitted to Laurie's Children's Hospital in
Chicago. He was admitted after being examined by the GI team there. He weighed
only 12lbs and 10 oz. that day.......his first birthday. He was literally
starving to death and his organs had started to shut down. He couldn't walk,
crawl, or even sit up for more than a few minutes without exhaustion, and the
very worst part was that we had no idea why. I spent every day from the time my
eyes were open until they closed at night, worrying, praying, doing everything
I could do, and everything the Dr.'s told me to do, to try and help him. I
nursed him from birth until that day at the hospital, when I nursed him the
very last time several hours before they took him to surgery.....the very worst
night I have ever had. He lay in the hospital crib, crying all night off and
on, and I was not allowed to nurse him. After doing exploratory surgery, we
learned that Branten had/has a disease in his esophagus known as Eosinophilic
Esophagitis. He also has extreme food allergies, which include, dairy, eggs,
wheat, gluten, peanuts and tree nuts. His esophageal disease is triggered by
the food that he's allergic to and causes him extreme pain along with a slew of
other issues. They placed an NG feeding tube that night and that was Branten's
sole source of nourishment for an entire year. Brad and I had to learn to put
the tube in ourselves before he was allowed to leave the hospital. So for a
year I had to put a thin tube up his nose and down his throat, getting it in at
just the right angle to hit all of the right openings to get it down into his
tummy, and then listen with a stethoscope while pushing air thru the line to
make sure I had the tube in the right place in his tummy before beginning the
feeding, which was done by an automatic pump. I still remember watching the
first tube of milk (a very special, expensive formula) being pumped into his
little body and feeling such enormous relief. There were still several other
tests to rule out other horrible diseases that were possibilities with his
symptoms. I remember really wrestling with God those nights.....Him pulling and
me pushing back. I wasn't ready to let go.... Not just of my son's precious
life, but of so much more than that. The pride that I was not a perfect mother
with all of the answers. There was nothing I could do to fix my child. The need
to control. Everything in the situation was out of my control.... His living,
or dying was not something I had power over. I remember distinctly where I was
sitting, in the hospital, looking out the window at the great city of Chicago,
all of the lights, all of the buildings, the lake.......... Sitting there and
finally letting go, surrendering to God all of it, Branten's life, whether God
chose to take him or let me keep him longer, his health, his future. I told
God, "He's yours". I gave up the pride, the need to control the
outcome, the need to have my son more than my need to have God's will. Such an
amazing, sweet peace came after that. The Holy Spirit whispered to me that He
was for me......no matter what would happen, it would be the best thing for
myself, my beautiful boy, and for our whole family. I could trust. I could let
go. I did. Things did not get easier in regards to Branten's health right then,
in fact, they got much, much harder and more complex as the days went on. My at
times, borderline crazy, need to control my day and schedule self was thrown
into having very little control over any of those things. Hours spent on
feedings, tubes, physical therapy, speech therapy, nutrition therapy, and endless dr.'s visits. Every day was, and continues to be
a new test. I didn't always pass. Some days were miserable failures. God has
used all of this to teach me lessons that I could never have learned otherwise,
and for that, I can say I'm so very, very thankful, and blessed be the name of
the Lord. So today, on this day set aside to celebrate Branten's birth, filled
with sweet toddler giggles and happy memories made, I also celebrate a death. A
dying to self, of my need to control, my need to hoard my children and declare
them as mine when they are really just gifts on loan from the Heavenly Father
who loves, and cares more for them than I could ever fathom.
If you made it to the end of this, congratulations!! It has been a long time since I have publicly written anything about this part of our journey in life and today I just had to. I am so thankful for where Branten is now. Even on the very hard days of being a mommy, I can't help but be grateful for every minute, even the really trying and difficult ones. I am so thankful that I get to experience life with him....messy, wonderful, crazy, beautiful life.
If you made it to the end of this, congratulations!! It has been a long time since I have publicly written anything about this part of our journey in life and today I just had to. I am so thankful for where Branten is now. Even on the very hard days of being a mommy, I can't help but be grateful for every minute, even the really trying and difficult ones. I am so thankful that I get to experience life with him....messy, wonderful, crazy, beautiful life.
~~~ Jennifer
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