Family Friday: Branten's Story

(Used with permission, written by Jennifer Durham)

I'm finally sitting down tonight after a very full day, and I have a very full heart.  Today is our Branten's 3rd birthday. We started the day with special birthday pancakes and presents and then celebrated with close friends this afternoon at his train themed party. He was SO excited, happy, and full of life....a truly wonderful day! Three years ago this morning, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful boy. It was one of the best days of my life. Two years ago today, on Branten's first birthday, I had the worst day of my life when, after many, many tests, bloodwork, and trips to Dr.'s and hospitals, Branten was admitted to Laurie's Children's Hospital in Chicago. He was admitted after being examined by the GI team there. He weighed only 12lbs and 10 oz. that day.......his first birthday. He was literally starving to death and his organs had started to shut down. He couldn't walk, crawl, or even sit up for more than a few minutes without exhaustion, and the very worst part was that we had no idea why. I spent every day from the time my eyes were open until they closed at night, worrying, praying, doing everything I could do, and everything the Dr.'s told me to do, to try and help him. I nursed him from birth until that day at the hospital, when I nursed him the very last time several hours before they took him to surgery.....the very worst night I have ever had. He lay in the hospital crib, crying all night off and on, and I was not allowed to nurse him. After doing exploratory surgery, we learned that Branten had/has a disease in his esophagus known as Eosinophilic Esophagitis. He also has extreme food allergies, which include, dairy, eggs, wheat, gluten, peanuts and tree nuts. His esophageal disease is triggered by the food that he's allergic to and causes him extreme pain along with a slew of other issues. They placed an NG feeding tube that night and that was Branten's sole source of nourishment for an entire year. Brad and I had to learn to put the tube in ourselves before he was allowed to leave the hospital. So for a year I had to put a thin tube up his nose and down his throat, getting it in at just the right angle to hit all of the right openings to get it down into his tummy, and then listen with a stethoscope while pushing air thru the line to make sure I had the tube in the right place in his tummy before beginning the feeding, which was done by an automatic pump. I still remember watching the first tube of milk (a very special, expensive formula) being pumped into his little body and feeling such enormous relief. There were still several other tests to rule out other horrible diseases that were possibilities with his symptoms. I remember really wrestling with God those nights.....Him pulling and me pushing back. I wasn't ready to let go.... Not just of my son's precious life, but of so much more than that. The pride that I was not a perfect mother with all of the answers. There was nothing I could do to fix my child. The need to control. Everything in the situation was out of my control.... His living, or dying was not something I had power over. I remember distinctly where I was sitting, in the hospital, looking out the window at the great city of Chicago, all of the lights, all of the buildings, the lake.......... Sitting there and finally letting go, surrendering to God all of it, Branten's life, whether God chose to take him or let me keep him longer, his health, his future. I told God, "He's yours". I gave up the pride, the need to control the outcome, the need to have my son more than my need to have God's will. Such an amazing, sweet peace came after that. The Holy Spirit whispered to me that He was for me......no matter what would happen, it would be the best thing for myself, my beautiful boy, and for our whole family. I could trust. I could let go. I did. Things did not get easier in regards to Branten's health right then, in fact, they got much, much harder and more complex as the days went on. My at times, borderline crazy, need to control my day and schedule self was thrown into having very little control over any of those things. Hours spent on feedings, tubes, physical therapy, speech therapy, nutrition therapy, and endless dr.'s visits. Every day was, and continues to be a new test. I didn't always pass. Some days were miserable failures. God has used all of this to teach me lessons that I could never have learned otherwise, and for that, I can say I'm so very, very thankful, and blessed be the name of the Lord. So today, on this day set aside to celebrate Branten's birth, filled with sweet toddler giggles and happy memories made, I also celebrate a death. A dying to self, of my need to control, my need to hoard my children and declare them as mine when they are really just gifts on loan from the Heavenly Father who loves, and cares more for them than I could ever fathom. 
If you made it to the end of this, congratulations!! It has been a long time since I have publicly written anything about this part of our journey in life and today I just had to. I am so thankful for where Branten is now. Even on the very hard days of being a mommy, I can't help but be grateful for every minute, even the really trying and difficult ones. I am so thankful that I get to experience life with him....messy, wonderful, crazy, beautiful life.   

~~~ Jennifer